Of all the toxic behaviors that can creep into a relationship, contempt is by far the most destructive. It’s not just unpleasant—it’s the number one predictor of divorce. But the good news? It can be defeated.
Dr. John Gottman, renowned relationship researcher, spent over four decades studying what makes love last—and what tears it apart. In that time, he uncovered a frightening truth: contempt is the single most dangerous force in a relationship. Malcolm Gladwell backed this up in his bestselling book Blink, writing:
“If we observe one or both partners in a marriage showing contempt toward the other, it’s the most important sign that the marriage is in trouble.”
What Does Contempt Look Like?
Contempt isn’t just anger or disagreement. It’s disgust, mockery, and a sense of superiority. It shows up in sarcasm, name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, and hostile humor. At its core, contempt says:
“I’m better than you. You’re beneath me.”
When someone communicates with contempt, it hits hard—it wounds the other person’s self-worth. It’s the relationship equivalent of pouring acid on trust.
And here’s something even more unsettling: couples who treat each other with contempt aren’t just unhappy—they’re more likely to get sick. Studies show higher rates of colds, the flu, and other illnesses in contemptuous relationships. Why? Because contempt erodes emotional and physical well-being.
Why Contempt Is So Dangerous
Contempt builds up over time. It grows from lingering negative thoughts, unresolved frustration, and emotional disconnection. Once it shows up, it doesn’t just cause tension—it blocks resolution. You can’t solve a problem with someone who thinks you’re pathetic or inferior.
Take this example:
The punctual partner:
“Seriously? I learned how to tell time in kindergarten. When are you going to catch up?”
Or this one:
The frustrated partner:
“We haven’t had sex in months. What’s the deal—are you saving it for your work crush? Why not just marry him?”
These aren’t just jabs. They’re contempt—and they cut deep.
Fighting Contempt: The Antidotes
1. Short-Term Fix: Speak From the Heart
The first step to stopping contempt is to talk about your feelings and needs—without blaming.
Instead of accusing your partner or mocking them, try expressing yourself with clarity and vulnerability:
💬 “I’ve been feeling a little disconnected lately. I really miss our physical intimacy. Can we talk about how to bring it back in a way that works for both of us?”
💬 “It’s really important to me to be on time. Can we figure out a plan that helps us get out the door a little earlier?”
These kinds of “I” statements open the door to understanding, rather than slamming it shut with blame.
2. Long-Term Healing: Build a Culture of Fondness & Admiration
To truly eliminate contempt, you need to change the emotional climate of your relationship. And the best way to do that? Rebuild fondness and admiration.
This isn’t just a nice idea—it’s a foundational part of Gottman’s “Sound Relationship House.” Think of it as strengthening your relationship’s immune system.
You don’t need grand gestures. You need daily acts of love and appreciation:
- A genuine compliment
- A thank-you for something small
- A long hug after work
- A six-second kiss (yes, it’s a thing!)
Even just taking a moment to remember a happy memory you shared can help shift the emotional tone.
Couples who reminisce about good times and celebrate the struggles they’ve overcome tend to stay stronger. Gottman calls this “glorifying the struggle”—honoring the moments you pushed through together and came out better for it.
Bring Back the “Us”
Even in healthy relationships, frustration and resentment will appear. But when you’ve built a strong base of fondness, admiration, and emotional connection, those moments don’t define the relationship. Instead, you return to each other more quickly—you remember you’re on the same team.
If your relationship has been buried under months (or years) of criticism or distance, don’t give up. Fondness may feel far away, but it can be revived. Start with small daily gestures. Focus on your partner’s positive traits. Shift your inner dialogue from “What’s wrong with them?” to “What do I still appreciate about them?”
Because the more you intentionally think positively, the more you’ll feel positively—and that creates a cycle of healing and reconnection.
In Summary: Contempt Can Be Defeated
It’s true—contempt is the most dangerous relationship toxin. But it’s not a death sentence. With awareness, vulnerability, and effort, couples can rebuild what’s been broken.
Start by speaking kindly. Remember the good times. Choose to see the best in your partner—even when it’s hard. Every moment of fondness you offer is one more brick in the foundation of a relationship that lasts.
You deserve a connection built on love, not superiority. On kindness, not cruelty. On “we,” not “me vs. you.”
And it all starts with the choice to leave contempt behind.
